61* Reasons Why The Yankees Suck

1. They win (38 pennants, 26 World Championships since 1921).
2. They spend more money than anyone else to ensure that they win.
3. They keep in place a system that allows them to spend more money than anyone else to ensure that they win.
4. Yankees 4, Mariners 2 (2000 ALCS)
5. Yankees fans.
6. Yankees fans shouting scatological abuse at opposition players.
7. Yankees fans throwing batteries at opposition players.
8. Yankees fans with weak chins, overgrown moustaches and lax personal hygiene throwing batteries and shouting scatological abuse at opposition players.
9. The aforementioned Yankees fans doing this at your ballpark.
10. Yankees 4, Mariners 1 (2001 ALCS)
11. Paul O'Neill.
12. Derek Jeter — twice listed as one of the “50 Most Beautiful People in the World” by People magazine, which is headquartered in New York City.
13. Bernie Williams — listed this year as one of the “50 Most Beautiful People in the World” by People magazine, which is headquartered in New York City.
14. Don Zimmer — probably listed next year as one of the “50 Most Beautiful People in the World” by People magazine, which is headquartered in New York City.
15. George Steinbrenner
16. Steinbrenner purchasing the Yankees in 1973 with less than $200,000 of his own money.
17. Steinbrenner telling assembled reporters at his first press conference, “I won't be active in the day-to-day operations of the club at all.”
18. Steinbrenner being indicted in 1974 for making illegal campaign contributions to Richard Nixon.
19. Steinbrenner paying a known gambler $40,000 for purportedly damaging information about Yankee Dave Winfield (1989).
20. Commissioner Fay Vincent banning Steinbrenner for life for his associations with a known gambler (1990).
21. Vincent reducing the ban to 30 months (1992).
22. Steinbrenner reinstated (1993).
23. Steinbrenner berating a Kingdome waitress after the Mariners beat the Yankees in Game 5 of the 1995 ALDS.
24. Tino Martinez, Jeff Nelson and Jim Mecir for Sterling Hitchcock and Russ Davis.
25. Derek Jeter and Mariah Carey.
26. Derek Jeter and Tyra Banks.
27. Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez.
28. Mickey Mantle's new liver.
29. Wade Boggs on a horse.
30. Roger Clemens tossing a broken bat.
31. “Fat, pussy toad.”
32. The Yankee Dynasty beginning in the 1920s with a team bought from the Boston Red Sox.
33. Babe Ruth, at the end of his career, unceremoniously traded to the Boston Braves.
34. Promoting leather-lunged minor leaguers in the 1930s to shout anti-Semitic slurs at Detroit slugger Hank Greenberg.
35. Being one of the last teams to integrate. (Elston Howard in 1955 — eight years after Jackie Robinson.)
36. Manager Casey Stengel saying of Howard, “When they finally get me a nigger, I get the only one who can't run.”
37. Attempting to cut Mickey Mantle's salary by $17,000 after he hit .365 with an OBP of .515 in 1957.
38. Using the Kansas City Athletics as their personal farm team in the 1950s.
39. Firing manager Casey Stengel when the Yankees lost the 1960 World Series to the Pittsburgh Pirates in seven games.
40. Firing manager Yogi Berra when the Yankees lost the 1964 World Series to the St. Louis Cardinals in seven games.
41. Hiring Cardinals manager Johnny Keane to replace Berra.
42. Joe Pepitone introducing the hair dryer into major league locker rooms.
43. Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich, Yankees pitchers, swapping wives in 1972.
44. The first DH (Yankee Ron Bloomberg).
45. Jim Bleepin' Leyrtiz.
46. Billy Crystal at every game.
47. Rudy Giuliani at every game.
48. Joe Torre at every game.
49. Mickey Owens' passed ball in 1941.
50. Bobby Richardson's catch in 1962.
51. Bucky Dent's homerun in 1978.
52. Derek Jeter's “homerun” in 1996 (AKA Jeffrey Maier's fan interference).
53. Maier being rewarded the next day with box seats — courtesy of Steinbrenner.
54. Tino Martinez striking out on a fastball down the middle in Game 1 of the 1998 World Series.
55. The pitch being called a ball.
56. Martinez hitting a grand slam on the next pitch.
57. The fact that every know-nothing fan will wear a Yankees cap.
58. The fact that every fan who doesn't have the patience and/or loyalty to cheer on their own team will wear a Yankees cap in order to pathetically associate themselves with a winner.
59. The fact that the Yankees continued dominance shows that the Devil is loose in the world.
60. A payroll approaching $140 million.
61. Steinbrenner attributing Yankee success to “hard work.”

* Limited to 61 reasons because of space restrictions

—originally published in The Grand Salami